Horwich Treacle Mine

Reporter P. McGeehan. As a direct result of recent encouragement by the treacle miners in East Sussex, a multi-million pound research programme was undertaken in the Douglas Valley region in the North West of England in an attempt to find a source for a Northern Treacle Mine.

British Aerospace Dynamics produced the first “aerial treacle detector”, which, when fitted beneath the Greater Manchester Police Helicopter, could be used to detect treacle lakes beneath the surface.

There were difficulties with this system; when the public address system was used at the same time that treacle was detected, the message would be transmitted “You’re under arrest Sugar” or “Armed Police, drop your treacle!” This was overcome by altering the frequencies of each item of equipment when the source was discovered.

The treacle lake was found to lie beneath the site now called “Middlebrook”. The supporting stadium columns were connected into lift pumps to raise the treacle to the surface. One complication still remains however; although the system is computerised, it is also activated by excessive noise vibration. This creates a problem when a goal is scored; the pumps are activated, causing a fountain of treacle to spray the teams and spectators in the stadium.

The Bolton Wanderers manager said that the team has had many sticky situations to deal with and this one will be overcome in due course.

It is proposed that the collection point be piped up the castle beacon on top of the Pike. So that treacle can be piped from Horwich via yellow plastic pipes to Crowborough in Sussex, for processing and mixing with Jarvis Brook treacle to create a new world beating flavour. It is suggested that this blending of treacle could be called “Horborough Treacle” or through a reverse system of piping could be established to produce “Crowich Treacle” and with these amalgamated brands -the treacle could be exported throughout the world.

 

 

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